Today, the University of Minnesota is pleased to announce the first cured case of Bieber Fever in a 12-year-old girl from Greater Minnesota.
School of Public Health infectious disease expert Dr. Michael Osterholm, the director of the University’s Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy, spearheaded the efforts and was overwhelmingly pleased by the results and optimistic about the future for similar cases.
“It was touch and go for a while, but the success seen with this case really gives us hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel,” Osterholm said. “We are always cautious about declaring success for something as complicated as Bieber Fever, but in this case, I feel confident that this patient is cured. She no longer has any signs or symptoms of Bieber Fever and all of her lab test results have returned to normal.”
Osterholm added he and his colleagues were at first wary of a relapse in Patient Zero, but when she was able to maintain her wits with the infectious As Long As You Love Me blaring at 120 decibels in her clinical suite for over 30 minutes, they’d realized the extent of their breakthrough.
Cases of Bieber Fever have been seen in people as young as 3 years old, and can infect patients as old as 25 years of age. While considered by some to be harmless, it is unclear if the development of a chronic condition can lead to serious physical or mental health complications later in life.
“The older cases are the most troubling,” Osterholm said. “I’ve heard our own public relations team here in the health sciences has no immunity to Bieber Fever whatsoever.” He acknowledged that because he no longer has teenagers living at home the true impact of this condition took him totally by surprise. He admitted, “I should have known better, I still remember so very well the impact of the Beatlemania pandemic of the 1960’s. How soon we forget our past!”
Impacting mostly females, “The Biebs” has been known to infect and spread among men as well. Osterholm noted that, “There may be some genetic predisposition underlying the risk of infection, however that requires further study. Interestingly, we are going back to our vinyl records to see if we can establish any relationship between having parents diagnosed as a “Deadhead” in the 1970-80’s and being at increased risk of Bieber Fever.”
Typical symptoms of Bieber Fever include:
- Irrational public outbursts of screaming and crying
- Inability to control one’s dancing impulse when Boyfriend or Baby are heard anywhere in the vicinity.
Osterholm – who first made headlines in 2010 for predicting the Easter Holiday Peepdemic – believes this first cure of Bieber Fever may lessen the impact of what could soon become a worldwide pandemic.
“This illness clearly has an infectious component as we documented transmission from one young person to another. How long would it have taken to jump into older adults?” said Osterholm, “I shudder to think what our world would become if had we not found a cure when we did.”
If you feel you or someone you know may have Bieber Fever, Osterholm prescribes the following as a foolproof cure:
- Sitting outside and listening to nature
- Reading “Lord of the Rings”
- Deep breathing
- Avoiding Billboard Top40 radio stations
- Listening to alternative music
“It was important to get a hold of this thing before it got ahold of all of us,” said Osterholm. “Though a cure has been found for Bieber Fever, it is important to continue watching for the next superbug to hit our young people.”
Though he can say with some relief that the actual threat of a Bieber Fever pandemic has been greatly reduced, Osterholm said we aren’t out of the woods yet and is hopeful the cure will be the blueprint for the newest virus of the same strain, One Directzafluenza.
Editors note: April fools! There is, of course, still no cure for Bieber Fever …