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U of M researchers find cure for Bieber Fever

Today, the University of Minnesota is pleased to announce the first cured case of Bieber Fever in a 12-year-old girl from Greater Minnesota.

School of Public Health infectious disease expert Dr. Michael Osterholm, the director of the University’s Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy, spearheaded the efforts and was overwhelmingly pleased by the results and optimistic about the future for similar cases.

“It was touch and go for a while, but the success seen with this case really gives us hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel,” Osterholm said. “We are always cautious about declaring success for something as complicated as Bieber Fever, but in this case, I feel confident that this patient is cured. She no longer has any signs or symptoms of Bieber Fever and all of her lab test results have returned to normal.”

Osterholm added he and his colleagues were at first wary of a relapse in Patient Zero, but when she was able to maintain her wits with the infectious As Long As You Love Me blaring at 120 decibels in her clinical suite for over 30 minutes, they’d realized the extent of their breakthrough.

Cases of Bieber Fever have been seen in people as young as 3 years old, and can infect patients as old as 25 years of age. While considered by some to be harmless, it is unclear if the development of a chronic condition can lead to serious physical or mental health complications later in life.

“The older cases are the most troubling,” Osterholm said.  “I’ve heard our own public relations team here in the health sciences has no immunity to Bieber Fever whatsoever.” He acknowledged that because he no longer has teenagers living at home the true impact of this condition took him totally by surprise. He admitted, “I should have known better, I still remember so very well the impact of the Beatlemania pandemic of the 1960’s. How soon we forget our past!”

Impacting mostly females, “The Biebs” has been known to infect and spread among men as well.  Osterholm noted that, “There may be some genetic predisposition underlying the risk of infection, however that requires further study. Interestingly, we are going back to our vinyl records to see if we can establish any relationship between having parents diagnosed as a “Deadhead” in the 1970-80’s and being at increased risk of Bieber Fever.”

Typical symptoms of Bieber Fever include:

  • Fainting
  • Screaming
  • Confusion
  • Sweats
  • Irrational public outbursts of screaming and crying
  • Inability to control one’s dancing impulse when Boyfriend or Baby are heard anywhere in the vicinity.

Osterholm – who first made headlines in 2010 for predicting the Easter Holiday Peepdemic – believes this first cure of Bieber Fever may lessen the impact of what could soon become a worldwide pandemic.

“This illness clearly has an infectious component as we documented transmission from one young person to another. How long would it have taken to jump into older adults?” said Osterholm, “I shudder to think what our world would become if had we not found a cure when we did.”

If you feel you or someone you know may have Bieber Fever, Osterholm prescribes the following as a foolproof cure:

  • Sitting outside and listening to nature
  • Reading “Lord of the Rings”
  • Deep breathing
  • Avoiding Billboard Top40 radio stations
  • Listening to alternative music
  • Yoga

“It was important to get a hold of this thing before it got ahold of all of us,” said Osterholm. “Though a cure has been found for Bieber Fever, it is important to continue watching for the next superbug to hit our young people.”

Though he can say with some relief that the actual threat of a Bieber Fever pandemic has been greatly reduced, Osterholm said we aren’t out of the woods yet and is hopeful the cure will be the blueprint for the newest virus of the same strain, One Directzafluenza.

Editors note: April fools! There is, of course, still no cure for Bieber Fever … 

Comments
  1. April 1, 2013 12:54 pm | Colton Roballo Says:

    This, this is good. It really makes me happy that these big professional sites can show there funny sides and loosen up. Good job to all!

  2. April 1, 2013 1:39 pm | Richard Says:

    Unfortunately, side effects of the treatment process can lead to “Hipsterism”. “Hipsterism” can be identified by the emergence of thick rimmed glasses, quirky hairstyles, excessive folk music and an increase in plaid. If you notice these side effects, seek medical attention as soon as possible and cease all use of alternative music, yoga, sitting outside and fair trade coffee.

  3. April 1, 2013 3:31 pm | Rizwan Sohail Says:

    For those who are not up to date with their infectious diseases knowledge, Bieber Fever is caused by “viral” Justin Beiber videos.

  4. April 1, 2013 3:37 pm | Rich Says:

    it wouod have to be a pretty significant mutation for a deadhead parent to have a kid with an increased risk of Bieber Fever – I would have expected just the opposite to be true – deadhead parents would have kids immune to Bieber Fever

  5. April 1, 2013 6:13 pm | elena Says:

    hey

  6. April 1, 2013 7:50 pm | David Therkelsen Says:

    What a hoot! Go Laurel! Go Mike!

  7. April 4, 2013 12:05 pm | Dave Says:

    Fainting
    Screaming
    Confusion
    Sweats
    Irrational public outbursts of screaming and crying

    Holy crap, my wife has Bieber Fever!!!!!! Just kidding, she has Beatlemania.

    • April 3, 2014 2:10 pm | Brit Says:

      *Its now BieberMania ;)

  8. June 21, 2013 12:24 pm | Taulant Says:

    I am a 17 year old guy and I just have to say, THANK GOD I am not infected with Bieber fever. I am actually immune to Bieber fever. my body is way too strong to catch Bieber fever. lolololol

  9. February 26, 2014 6:18 pm | Darryl Says:

    Thankfully Bieber Fever is now on the decline. It was spreading at such a fast rate that I thought we were doomed!!

  10. April 3, 2014 2:09 pm | Brit Says:

    I’ve tried everything! There is no cure trust me! He’s just too perfect and flawless! But the fever is a good thing ;)

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