Helping Kids Manage Back-to-School Stress

By Linda Bearinger, B.S.N., M.S., Ph.D.
May 20, 2003; Reviewed Nov. 17, 2005

Parents sometimes minimize how stressful the return to school can be for kids. Imagine yourself in this scenario: You've been away from your job for three months, and now you have to go back to work full-time after twelve weeks of relaxing, playing, and doing whatever you want to do. That's stressful. And it's even more difficult for young people if they're switching schools within the same district or moving to a new place altogether. If returning to school coincides with a divorce, a death, a relocation, or the dramatic changes that come with puberty, going back to school can be particularly stressful.

Kids are remarkably resilient when it comes to coping with such situations. But what can parents do to ease the transition? Most importantly, you should be available when your children want to talk. It might be late at night, or while you're cooking dinner, but you have to be available on their terms and schedule. Even if they're sending off a lot of signals that say, "Mom and Dad, you're not important" or "I don't want to talk with you," it's important for them to know that you're available if they need to talk. Their connection with you is essential to their well-being.

Creating a connection requires what professionals call "an arena of comfort" a place where you can relax and download. Kids need to know that there's a stable place for them to talk about all the stresses that they've had. Research shows that there are certain times of day the drive to school, dinner time, or just before going to bed when children tend to open up. Kids whose parents are consistently around at one or more of those times tend to function better. Kids who can't count on those consistent connections don't do as well.

Of course, kids won't always want or need to talk. But having a meal together creates that opportunity. And busy parents don't have to be available every moment of day: Even establishing just one consistent, scheduled time for potential conversation can have remarkable benefits.

Stress can also be offset with other activities. Parents should plan to have a family activity at the end of the week to which young people can look forward. They might be starting a new class at school or easing into a new peer group this week, but they'll know that at the end of the week, they'll be going on a bike ride or visiting the zoo.

Finally, parents should play a role in reinforcing their children's friendships at school. When kids have a circle of buddies who doesn't overlap with those at school, they don't like school as well. Kids who have friends and a teacher that they can talk to at school are more connected and emotionally well-adjusted. Encourage kids to invite school friends to your home: Make a space, make a place, make a plan. If you're going to the movies, ask Janey which friend would like to come along. Ask Tim who talked with him at school today. Who's on the team or in the club? It's important to get to know your kids' social network. Make your house the place to where kids are comfortable hanging out or even talking to an adult.